Apr 16

Focusing on what my body feels; tension… I can feel my neck tightening up just above my shoulders. My body feels upset with every nerve disturbed. My abs crunched to my stomach, still unsure if it is safe to release. I have no control over my body at this point. It’s like my body tightens up to avoid the feel of turbulence and to feel somewhat grounded. Grounded I am but only to this seat.

With each flight, I age. With each flight, my subconscious questions how could I put myself through this. A moment with God; full of fear and pleading for him to help this damsel in distress get through this unstable flight and cheat death. In exchange I give him my word to make right in life but forget our agreement upon landing.

If you took God out of the equation and it boils down to man vs nature, why should nature be so kind to us? How could I even ask her to calm her winds and let us pass through? We have invaded her breath of air. Our generations have stripped her of any balance causing her untameable forces to react with destruction. She gives us apples to eat, cotton to clothe, trees to house and air to breath. In return we continue to give her holes in her ozone, landfills releasing toxic gases, sewers emptying into her waters and treating her earth as an ashtray as we sure that every square inch is covered with tobacco filters. Will she excuse us and allow us to fly as we spit in her face with our exhaust without any remorse?

Jan 31

A label captures my eye. Hmmm, What is this wine, where is it from and what is it made from? Lets read! Nice label but boring. Looking for something exotic. Something smooth. Something acceptable to my taste of mind. Found a new one to try. This is almost like a hypothesis: read a label, assume the properties of taste, and then finally taste to see if it’s a sexy wine.

Oh, pretty lil bottle. I grab you by the neck and I adopt you to take to a lil fete champetre with a few of my close hens.

The shes are gloating over this chemical composition of a liquid stimulus. One sip turns into one glass, one glass turns into half a bottle, half a bottle turns into plastered smiles on the reserved turning loose.

The breeze is no longer chilly but more so cool and refreshing. The vino starts to speak for itself. The air is filled with information exchange from professionals feeling the need to counsel you with their all to know of relationships/intimacy tips, to bias opinions of politics and then a she throws a bit of religion in there with a toast to the words, “God Bless!”

We continue to converse, the vine starts to sway our bodies. This is oblivious to another she. Only a male could understand this body language. Then we slowly sweep our hair to lay behind our shoulders. The eyes lay heavy and the laugh lines are more prominent from the plastered smiles. It’s official!!! The wine has us feeling sexy! We raise our glasses to the truth of, “I gave me away… to Cabernet!”

I try to mimic anothers super model walk as she cha-chas in front of me, I allow my hips to sway their way to the WC, it’s time to break the seal. On the way out a give a quick glance in the mirror for reassurance that all is in order before returning. It was a lean in for a closer look that helped me focus on what I was seeing. This wine from Chile has marked us. If the others only knew. It was hidden in the dim lights. It was anything but sexy. It was blue teeth!

Jan 31

Woke up this morning with a record low. My bones just so cold. Feel like I’m in the tundra of the ice ages with the windchill. The tempest arrives just in time to disrupt my travel. I planned my morning to be on time but somehow I have sabotaged myself and now I’m over come with a hectic rushing woman’s syndrome.

Baggage check: $15.00,

10 lbs over the weight limit: $90.00

Unpack! Fast, fast, fast to shift weight. All that folding and organizing for nothing.  I’m late and there are others waiting in the line behind me. I can feel them starring.
Why do they have to stare at my personal belongings? I just want to turn around, nose to nose, so close that their set of eyes become one and say, “Excuse me, would someone here like a closer look?”

Finally done! 10 lbs extra added to one of my carry ons. Being frugal and saved $90.

Now, run, run, run to security and rush, rush, rush my way through.
Just as I thought I’m through, I hear, “whose bag is this?”, “a search is required!” Fannnnnn-tastic! I’m racing a clock that has a minute hand speeding at the rate of a second hand!
Run, run, run, with 10 lbs on each shoulder in heels, I’m beginning to think that saving that $90 was not one of my brightest ideas. I made it. Board the plane and then I hear the words from the announcements “delay” and “apologize for the inconvenience”…
Now we sit, sit, sit waiting in line in the de-icing pit.
Take off, so abrupt, so fast, so unusually up, so light headed!
The wind slaps our plan around. There’s nothing to see out the window, just haze. My palms start to sweat, my stomach drops, an uncomfortable warm rush runs through me, my slow heavy beating heart has dropped into 5 gear. This feels like a scary roller coaster ride. I read the safety information card j-u-s-t i-n-c-a-s-e.
Because, what if…
What if I not think about what if and what if I just relax and breathe?
I stretch my neck to look over the seats, looking to see if there are others in concern. And nothing out of the ordinary. I look over at the people sitting next to me. Yes! They are calm as can be. I need this and feed off of it. Why am I panicking? It just may be my element is earth. It is time to dilute my flying fear. Order a cabernet and return to a form of sanity with out logic.

Jan 31

What if the life we live is really just a dream? And our dreams is where we really live? OK, maybe not. But everyone believes in something, right? I believe there is something more with in us. I’m just not too sure what it’s called or how to surface it. I’ve been questioning reality. I always hear it’s school and work for a stable retirement. That just sounds like goals and experiences to me. Nor can I stand to hear another to tell me that life is not all about travels either. I understand this! What is this that I feel and don’t understand? What if what I feel is irrelevant or out of this world, like the birth or death of a star? Go ahead call me crazy, it was just a thought! But what if reality of our life is linked to who we grow to become and how we feel about ourselves? I don’t know where I’m going with any of this, it was just a thought.

Jan 26

To forgive those around you. What about the thought of our own actions which we never had excused? Then there are those who apologize for their wrong doing only turn around and do it again. The good word says the one above forgives those who ask for forgiveness, but does this apply to repeat offenders?
Our words, they represent who we are from what we choose to speak. You never hear, “I’m sorry”, anymore. Why are these words so difficult for one to say? What if the direction of our eternity is determined by the weight of our heart? My faith hopes he exists. My physical senses question if he exists. The forbidden proved there is something more there.

Jan 26

Cant sleep, need sleep. If I could just lay longer, at least until the sunrises. My eyes open, my mind cranks up, racing a 100 mph. I plead for my eyes to close and just fall back into the 3rd stage.

Jan 9

This is a story of a girl who searches for liberation through knowledge. Her answers come straight from her core of personal moral, which you’ll find daft in the western hemisphere. She can glow, she had luster! Her ideas of a kind approach are laughed at. They call this girl, ”granola girl”, she can only smile!

With a goal to better herself and break any negative customs planted by society or inheritance, she has learned self awareness. She finds a mirror in an acquaintance’s eye, she can see what they see. She is walked on and talked on with no defense prepared by choice from her slow to speak approach. She holds her tongue. Her headline: ”abolish any form of needless destruction”.  She is fragile as a flower with a velvet touch.

She has a characteristic about her, where she subconsciously she adjusts to any environment no matter how unfair to her. Adjust because it’s her nature. Adjust because it’s the only thing to do. If your eyes give long enough you can then see her heart has a slow heavy beat. Just remind her to breathe!

She loves to live, loves to feel. Feelings good and bad all so amazing. Just hold her hand and you can feel her energy. But there is a downfall to this story! This lil granola girl with a deep sense for living in search of the meaning of life could be so close to reaching her nirvana if it wasn’t for her weakness.

This weakness: its like a black hole sucking her into its vortex, then crushing her all to the size of a salt grain. This simple but yet irrational compound all the way from mars, is he who beholds testosterone.

She climbs her stairs to heaven… then, a voice with a lower tone and deeper pitch calls her name and shouts, “wait”. She looks back and holds out her hand to reach for the brute. Her smile is her invitation for this brute with rebuttals to join her side.

The brute leads her down a different path. It’s the his way or highway path. She looks down. These stairs look different than before.  They are cracked, chipped and fragile. This matters to her. She wants to mend these stairs and strengthen the foundation which she walks on. The brute wants her to ignore these cracks, and keep forward. Too attentive, she watches the brute and the way he walks, heavy and careless, it’s he, the cause of these cracks. The brute opens his mouth to speak, and only noise spues out!  The brute carries shadows of overcasts that cloud her skies. No sun. No room to grow, just dream. The clouds darken, now no dreams, in fact no sleep, just worries to toss and turn to.

Her focus is limited to the moment and what it holds, losing sight of her point, she becomes wilted. Her only words, ” I never asked the world of anyone, just thought the world of everyone”. She is climbing the wrong stairs in the wrong hemisphere.  She realizes it’s hard to persuade people to do good if it’s not in them. Why does she have to ask for kindness to be treated to her?  She knows this journey of enlightenment is one she will have to embark on her own.

Her weakness, more evident then ever: companionship. Tears taste so salty. If shed enough, this would no longer make her that girl of valor, these tears would make her a bitter being. She shares a room with dishonesty. For someone who knows what they need and want, why is she on the opposite side of the spectrum?

Time alone, listening to silence gives her an understanding on what to do.  What if this girl is learning how to be more vocal and expressive as requested, but once her words are spoken they are rejected? What keeps her from locking with anyone?

Focus, focus, focus… and just leave to find those solid stairs, that she was walking alone. Alone is where she glows her shine of luster!

Jan 3

These beautiful words hit close to home. Through out the day, I replay what I have heard in the back of my mind, like a recording, I hum along to it.                           We feel such awesome complex feelings and to find the words to express half of the emotion is a challenging art. When will I come face to face with one who can speak this language? Could you communicate without words? Individuals hear my silence but fail to notice all that I have said with my eyes and smile. Ignoring you? No! Just listening to the sight before me as words are just that, merely words.

Jan 3

King Kong roars, my blood boils. He- who hopes to show me the dominating alpha male control, Grunting and beating his chest upon “End Call”, As he thinks; he just placed me! The lord of conversation, must ensure he closes off the discussion at his leisure, I say yes, He says no, I say stop, He says go… He- the man on the opposite team. The king’s objective: ending the said with no solution as the last words belong to his breath. He then seals it with a high and mighy juvenile hang up. My nature opposes this boldness.

Dec 29

I lost you twice. You left to go home and placed the Atlantic between us. I was too young to understand what you were missing and why you couldn’t find it here.

I missed you. Often wondered where is the one who I look up to? You praised me, and held high hopes for me. You built my strength, taught me how thick my blood was and how to responsibly use my inherited sharp tongue. I had so much to learn from you still… I needed you around. With the Atlantic between us, we drifted further from one another. I lost you here.

10 years later, fate turns 180 and you find me. You find me with lost innocence. Not the same person you left behind. You were a letter’s two week journey away. Too far to reach me but you still reached out trying to make right of lost time. I gave you my empty word, I’ll be there soon. You waited on me… I found you here.

A dream followed by a phone calls of your unexpected passing, I lost my breath and my heart shattered into a million pieces. Now the last thing I have learned cause of you, how to mend a grieving heart as you left me with the crying disease. You died a lonely soul.  I lost you here for good.

I wonder if you can hear my prayers, I wonder if you know of this letter I wrote for you. I was given your briefcase and found my picture in it. This gave me hope that you’re still close by and watching over me. I always ask why your gone and never have said good-bye. You are the trunk of which my life stem from! In prayer, I hope to find you there!

Good-bye N.C.

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